Being single surrounded by couples can be rough – especially on Valentine’s Day – but there’s plenty to celebrate about singledom. Meghan Keane, founder and managing producer for NPR’s Life Kit, joins host Krys Boyd to discuss her journey from dreading her singlehood to finding joy in it – and her advice to not put big life plans on hold as you look for love. Her book is “Party of One: Be Your Own Best Life Partner.”
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Transcript
Krys Boyd [00:00:00] Our culture loves love. Starting in childhood, we’re surrounded by happily ever after fairy tales. And as adults, we find ourselves awash in rom coms and hashtag relationship goals. There is nothing wrong with hoping you might someday find your person, but if you’re holding off on happiness until that happens, you might be missing out on all the great things life has to offer right now. From KERA in Dallas, this is Think. I’m Krys Boyd. Meghan Keane is professionally successful. She is founder and managing producer for NPR’s Life Kit. She’s got lots of interests and plenty of good friendships. She hasn’t spent a lot of her adult life in committed romantic relationships. And for a while, as many of her friends started coupling up and getting married, she worried there must be something wrong with her. But then she started thinking maybe the only problem with her life was that she was waiting for it to start. When she found a partner. She decided to reframe her status as a single person and discovered there is plenty of joy available to her right in the moment. Her book about this journey is called “Party of One: Be Your Own Best Life Partner.” Meghan, welcome to Think.
Meghan Keane [00:01:07] Thanks for having me.
Krys Boyd [00:01:08] So assuming you are not in some Jane Austen style situation where you need somebody to save your family’s estate, how does the cultural pressure to get yourself coupled up once and for all manifest itself for you?
Meghan Keane [00:01:22] For me. I thought I was above it, actually. You know, I. I’m a millennial. I’m 35. I knew that there were all these fairy tale stories that I grew up with Disney, and I knew I wasn’t going to actually be a princess. Right. But I didn’t give myself enough credit that or rather, I didn’t give the culture enough credit that these messages still can seep in, right? Even if I didn’t want to be swept off my feet by a knight in shining armor, I did want human connection, right? I wanted a specific type of romantic love. And I was starting to see how everywhere I looked again, you know, even if I knew intellectually it was totally fine to be single and on your own and make this decision that was right for you. I still felt it in my body that, well, I would love to have a partner because all I hear from everyone else is, Hey, I’m getting married, or I’m, you know, going away on a vacation with my partner or my boyfriend and I’m sorry. I can’t make that. I have something for my boyfriend. You’re starting to see a trend, so it just starts to kind of get into your system. And it certainly did for me that, I’m missing out on something I feel like on the outside of something. And, you know, we’re social creatures. We want we want to connect, right? It’s only natural. But the problem becomes when things like weddings get out of hand, right? Or your family members say, well, you know, I’m I’m not going to invite you to I’m not going invite you to this because you’re not married yet or what have you or, you know, you feel are not going to include you on this part of the wheel or something. Right. Because you might not have a partner in our family. Right? So it’s all this kind of culmination of things that come together to say, hey, you’re not actually worthy. At least that’s the message I was getting.
Krys Boyd [00:03:12] Do you think all those narratives work on in a different way on heterosexual women than people of other genders and sexualities, just based on all the marriage plots handed down to us through history?
Meghan Keane [00:03:24] Totally. Right. It’s like meant to be your rite of passage as a heterosexual woman, which, you know, which I am one of those. And, you know, even just in simple language, like, I’ll give you these plates when you’re married, right? And you have your own house, right? Like even these, like, kind of little soft interactions with people in your life can signal, okay, well, adulthood is not going to start until I am married. And you’re totally right. It all these marriage plots we get from, you know, from Disney, Disney type princess stories to books and fairytales, I mean, like, I love a romance novel, don’t get me wrong. But, you know, they do leave off when the story is really, in a way, starting, right, when the relationship is just beginning. So you don’t actually see the hard work or rather even just what it takes to maintain a relationship, even if it isn’t hard work for some people, which, you know, ideally it shouldn’t be, you know, super hard work to be in a relationship. But, you know, it takes compromise and thinking and planning. But yes, I find that it was definitely assumed right there that because I was a heterosexual woman, this was going to be my path. And what I started to think was, well, what happens if I pause and think, well, what do I actually need? I was having these messages being handed to me and saying, This is what you want. And I believed it wholesale. And then think taking a minute to be like, What do I actually want is a is a really important step that I think a lot more women in particular are starting to ask themselves.
Krys Boyd [00:05:02] And I guess if we take these marriage myths and narratives at face value, we never ask what we want on our own because we assume we’ll figure that out in in connection with a partner someday.
Meghan Keane [00:05:18] Yeah, and it’s interesting because marriage is often seen as like a goal. Well, the problem with a goal is you either you either did it or you did it right. And if you aren’t in a marriage, then you are inherently a failure. If that was your whole goal. Right. And so I have started to see was that, you know, maybe instead of being so harsh on ourselves about needing a marriage to feel like you’re checking off a huge goal. What if you thought, okay, well, what’s underneath that desire, right, to be married? Right. There’s nothing wrong with necessarily being married, but wanting to thinking that it’s going to satisfy your every need is probably going to set you up for some pretty miserable days and nights. Right. So thinking about underneath, like, okay, well, maybe I really value community and connection and feeling a part of something bigger than myself. Okay, well, then there’s other ways to help meet that goal. It doesn’t have to be marriage alone, right? It could be volunteering. It could be having a super active friend group. So kind of thinking about how marriage can be reframed less as like a graduation into adulthood, a goal that’s going to complete you. I think reframing it into something about like, well, if it’s if it happens, that’s great. And then to also think, well, what do I actually want if I do want a marriage, what does that actually look like? And then giving yourself flexible alternatives is just an easier way to live.
Krys Boyd [00:06:42] How did you start to realize you might be missing out on things not because you didn’t have a partner, but because you were waiting for one?
Meghan Keane [00:06:51] That’s a great question. I think it was when I was going through kind of back to back breakups in my late 20s, my mid-to-late 20s, where I knew that obviously heartbreak sucks, right? Nobody likes going through it. It doesn’t feel good. But I was like, wow, this is really weighing me down for an extra heavy way for longer than I thought it would. And seeing, you know, these people that I was in relationships with, you know, bounce back and go on to live their lives. And I was still really stuck. I was still in kind of a, you know, I would say like a depressive ruminative state of, you know, kind of circling around like, well, what is it about me? Why me? And kind of circling around all these questions that were ultimately spinning out and going nowhere. And I was just hurting my own feelings. And that’s when I started to think, okay, I can’t control when I’m going to meet someone, but I can control how I live my life now and that feels like a nicer way to to treat myself and talked for myself rather than being obsessed with okay, well, there’s got to be something wrong with me. Well, maybe there’s something right with me that I. I’m not settling for someone, you know, Just anyone. Right. So it was really a time when I was just feeling really extra stuck, and that kind of opened up for me. Okay, it doesn’t have to be like this.
Krys Boyd [00:08:20] We’ve all asked that why me question. You know, maybe in various contexts you talk about the value of asking what questions instead of why questions. How does that work and why does it work?
Meghan Keane [00:08:33] Yes. So rumination is a particular flavor of overthinking, right? Like you can overthink something about, you know, well, what are we going to have for dinner? Right? You know, could think all day about what what what do you actually have in the kitchen? What do you need to get? And, you know, think that problem through. But that has an end, right? When we come to dinner time and the decision is made, we can move on. Ruminating is different in that is overthinking with putting self-blame on ourselves, right? We experience self-blame with rumination. It’s often a very big question that can’t be answered easily. Like why me? Right? Because our brains love to be predictive machines to think, okay, well, why you? Well, let’s go into our files here and be like, well, maybe because, you know, you lost a parent when you were young. What about that? And what about the fact that, you know, maybe you pick the wrong people? You know, it can spin out all these things that ultimately go nowhere. So I learned this trick from a rumination expert, a therapist who trains other therapists on how to treat rumination. And he told me about this. And the whys into was instead of thinking, why do I feel so lonely or why am I still single? You know, those can have infinite potential answers and a lot of them often very wrong. Right? Turn it into what can I do now to make myself feel better? What friend can I reach out to? What am I going to have for dinner? What can I do to move my body? And you know, I can hear people saying, well, that doesn’t answer the questions, right? Why am I single? I got to figure that out. And the answer is, well, you actually don’t need to really figure that out. Right? You can divert your attention to what is actually going to make you more regulated and feel more in your body, more in the moment and kind of take you back down to earth, maybe get you in the state of flow with a hobby you like, that is just going to help you feel better day to day rather than constantly digging and picking out all these why questions.
Krys Boyd [00:10:39] We should note something here that even people who are happily coupled up probably recognize, which is that some of this comes down to luck, right? Finding that person is not like a process that we can guarantee if we work hard enough on it.
Meghan Keane [00:10:53] Absolutely. Yeah. I joke about this, but my mom would often tell me, you know, why don’t you treat this like your job, right? Like a job searcher. As you said in the intro, and it was nice to hear I’m professionally successful. And my mom was like, you’re you know, you’re good at your job. Like you’re you’re very dogged and, you know, you can work at this. And my mom and I have kind of laughed at this advice now where it’s like, yeah, like that’s one way to approach it. But I realized for me it was not super helpful because I was just burning out, which I think with the advent of dating apps, you can do really quickly. And you know, I love my mom. She’s you know, I go to she gives me great, wonderful advice. And generally we’ve laughed about this now. But, you know, it is ultimately just luck, timing and also like making sure that you have the same values as someone you really want to pair with. Right. And that is just kind of divine timing. It’s not about how hard you work, even if it you know, you’re fed that message, especially from dating apps. You know, you’re one swipe away from the love of your life.
Krys Boyd [00:12:01] So this set of ideas for being one’s own best life partner, it is not necessarily about swearing off dating or even the possibility of someday finding a person you want to spend your life with. It’s about not holding off on your dreams unless or until that happens.
Meghan Keane [00:12:15] Yes, completely. And it’s about just treating yourself better so then you feel more secure as well. If you do enter a relationship and a feeling that if that goes away for whatever reason. Right. You know, there’s no guarantee that the relationship you get into is going to be your forever relationship. Right. Things happen. People die. Divorce happens. Values may change, what have you. That knowing that you feel more secure about how you’re approaching your own dreams, your own emotions, and how you feel about yourself in your general life, if that relationship goes away, maybe it would end. It probably would be very upsetting and sad, but, you know, you would still be okay, that it would not be a time where you would suddenly feel like, well, I’m less than right. Like that was kind of, I think the hole that I dug myself into with some of these breakups in my 20s, I write about where I felt like the relationship was so fragile because I hadn’t had a lot of relationships. I was finally in one. So I didn’t ask a lot of really important questions about how I actually like being in the relationship, you know, or what this person thought about me in this relationship or the values that we had or didn’t share. And so when those relationships ended, I took it extremely hardly because I took it extremely hard, because I thought to myself, Well, this was a mark of my self worth, and now that’s over. So what am I supposed to think, right? So yeah, a lot of what I write about in the book it’s not anti marriage or anti dating, but it’s about being more expansive about how your life can look. And, you know, regardless of your relationship status, how are you going to feel in your own life to make it feel really good?
Krys Boyd [00:14:03] Meghan, we should note greater numbers of American adults are choosing not to marry, and yet we continue to receive a lot of messages that imply, as you said, that marriage has to be a goal akin to like scoring that next big job or promotion as if it is not normal for someone to be happy with their single life exactly as it is.
Meghan Keane [00:14:24] You’re totally right. It is really encouraging to see more people just really question for themselves what they actually want, you know, and think about, well, what’s right for me, right? You know, getting through a marriage and starting a potential family, too, is like a very serious thing to think about. Right. And I think the more people who are thinking, is this actually right for me? I think that’s amazing. And what I’ll say is that the you know, the marriage propaganda runs really deep and it’s very strong. Right. There’s a lot that our institute, it’s baked into our institutions. Right. You know, in terms of how you file your taxes even. Right. How you get health care for a lot of people or if it’s cheaper or not. Right. Like a lot of our institutions are built around a couple. And so it’s really hard to break free from that. And, you know, on the social side, like let’s you know, if if someone is listening, experiencing like, you know, a parent or grandparent or someone in their life who is being really hard on them about choosing not to marry or to be single intentionally, I would say you know, they grew up in the context of when they did. And that is really hard to shake. And again, as someone who is 35, thought I was above all the messaging, it’s still seeped in. So remembering that, you know, sending some self-compassion to yourself and compassion to that person that, you know, maybe we don’t align on this, but you have to remember what is right for you is always going to be the right decision for yourself. But yeah, it is a really hard system to to push against. I mean, this a philosopher that I write about calls it a modern normativity, this idea that in the type of heterosexual monogamous love, often marriage. Right. Is the best kind of love is so pervasive. And then what it does is it erases all the other types of connection that are valuable in our lives. Right. And what we find is that marriage isn’t always necessarily make you happier. Right? We find that there’s data to show that a key to a happy, healthy life is connections of all types. You know, from your coaches and mentors and, you know, people that you just see casually on a daily basis, as well as friends and romantic relationships. You know, research does not single out romantic relationships as the only way to be happy and healthy. So knowing that, I think, well, why why not take the path that feels right for you? Because there is plenty of research to show you can be happy and healthy on your own as long as you have like a dedicated community around you.
Krys Boyd [00:17:05] I think a lot of thoughtful people in the 21st Century are trying to pay attention to whether they are participating in racism or sexism or Abel ism or body shaming or a whole list of things that aren’t good for society. And I don’t think many of us worry that we might somehow be biased against single people. What have you experienced that tells you being single is still subject to stigma?
Meghan Keane [00:17:29] Yeah, sure. So you’re right. There are so many isms to be aware of and one that I learned about. Well at least the official name for it is Single ism. Right? Which comes from researcher Bella DePaulo. And what she calls singleism is anytime there is a marginalization or discrimination or even, you know, diminishing the experience of a single person, and you’ve seen this at the higher levels, like I was mentioning, like, you know, access to health care at times, housing taxes. But also we see it on the more day to day basis, maybe a coworker who’s married, who has to pick up kids gets to do that. And then you’re asked to stay late because you don’t have kids. Right. Or you don’t have a partner. We see it at, you know, at holiday dinner tables. When you have someone say to you like, well, you know, don’t you just want to, you know, get married? And by the way, you’re taking the couch rather than getting your own private room. Yeah. Yeah. For this holiday. So we see it on all these levels. And it’s interesting because I felt like I didn’t I knew that was happening to me, but I didn’t really have my eyes fully open until I read it. And for me, it was a lot of, you know, okay, I feel like I didn’t have access to certain types of vacations. I wanted to maybe try because everyone was always, you know, prioritizing travel with their husband or girlfriend. I didn’t necessarily experience that at work. But but once you see it and you think about it and hear about it, you’re like, wow, yeah, this is everywhere. Or yeah, definitely got my fair share of blowout couches a cabin weekend. And the other thing too, is like thinking about how, like, single people are often seen as like the either they have like their time is unlimited, it seems like to people in relationships. So, you know, we often there’s like a joke that, you know, people go to boyfriend island once they get into relationships and you never hear from them again, right? Yeah. But once the the the friend maybe, you know, let’s say this person a relationship is like, I, I have this one hour on Saturday that I, you know, my boyfriend’s out of town and I finally have time to see you now. Like, are you are you free? And it’s like, well, maybe not. Not exactly. I mean, like, yeah, maybe not. It’s like it’s prioritizing the time and energies of of married and relationship people in relationships over those who are single. So my advice to people who are in relationships and I do a lot of people who are relationships read the book. I think there’s plenty for them as well. And this is to think about how to combat single ism. And it’s as simple as getting your friend like a birthday gift who’s single. Right? Making sure you make time for them beyond, you know, including your partner every time. They don’t have to come, every time it’s checking in on them when they’re sick, Do they need something watching their dog if they go out of town, there’s all these different small ways that you can push against singleism. You know, a big one. Not asking your single friends always about their dating life. They don’t always want to talk about it. It is top of mind for a lot of people. If you’re actively dating, you are thinking about it. You don’t always want to talk about it. And so not treating single people’s dating life, their romantic lives as entertainment. Please do not ask your single friends to swipe for them on Tinder or Bumble. Just ask any other question about how their life is going and it will just deepen the relationship, I promise.
Krys Boyd [00:21:04] I think stigma takes on a particularly insidious dimension when it’s internalized by the exact people subject to that stigma. Talk a little bit about how you have found ways of pushing back by focusing on gratitude for the life you have right now.
Meghan Keane [00:21:21] Totally. Yes, you’re so right. It’s there can be some definitely internalized stigma around your single status, and I’ve definitely experienced that. Like you said, gratitude was a super helpful tool for me, not just for singleism of the rest of my life as well. And what gratitude helps you do is just ground you and kind of bring you back to reality. It’s not just, you know, hokey ness of I love my house and my dog and like, I love all those things too. And like, I’m grateful for my friends. Like, those are great. But there is research to show that if you pay attention to the things that you are grateful for, it will boost your happiness. So what I would try to do is get really specific about the things I was grateful for because you kind of get into a little bit of a gratitude. I would say, you know, listing out the basics that of course I’m grateful for. But sometimes I would be like, I just love the way my dog, you know, runs up to another small dog on the street and they touch noses and they just pause and look at each other. Like, that is a moment I’m grateful for. I’m grateful for the way the light filters through the tree in front of my apartment because I think it’s particularly beautiful. And those have a kind of buffering effect as well. And another way of thinking about gratitude is something that’s called accumulating positives. And this comes from the dialectical behavior School of Therapy, where you are noticing and really savoring positive things that happen in your life and making sure you have those positive things right. It could be something as simple as, Hey, I woke up today and I was able to take a shower. Some days are like that. Other days it’s I got to have coffee with a friend I haven’t seen in a while. Just noticing, savoring those moments of positivity. It’s not to say be positive. Think I’m, you know, everything’s great. I’m going to be just fine. It’s to notice, even at the very molecular level of your life, the good things that are in your way because it builds up these reserves. So when you do encounter negative thinking or thoughts because, you know, life happens, then you have more positive reserves to buffer yourself against that that negativity and be more resilient.
Krys Boyd [00:23:32] How have you learned to respond to the people in your life who no doubt think they are helping by pointing out all the things you must be doing wrong in your dating life?
Meghan Keane [00:23:44] I would say. You don’t have to actually engage in a long conversation with these people. It doesn’t. I used to think that I’d have to answer every question or, you know, point and go toe to toe. And I think it’s now more of a thinking about, okay, that’s interesting. And then, like move on to a different subject. It depends also on the type of relationship I have with the person. You know, if there’s someone who I’m probably not going to see or don’t see is often right or not as close with, it’s like, you know, it can be as simple as like, that’s not really a priority for me right now. Or sometimes people, you know, will love to say like what they did, you know, did quote unquote. Right. You know, it’s like, well, you just have to compromise and say, okay, well, did you settle for your wife then? Like, you know, it just like it was you. That’s what you feel in exercising. But it just I think when people are trying to, quote unquote, help, what they’re really revealing about themselves is how they think about relationships and themselves. Right. And then understanding, this is about them. It’s really not about, you know, me is super helpful and kind of feels like a superpower in a way. It’s like, I don’t actually need you to project onto to me or any of my single friends about what’s happening in my life.
Krys Boyd [00:25:08] So you push back on the idea that being alone is the same thing as lonely, right? Loneliness is bad for humans, but the definition is that we’re dissatisfied with the time we spend alone. That said, you also make note it is okay and in fact normal to feel lonely now and then, whether we are single or part of a couple.
Meghan Keane [00:25:28] Yeah, totally. I feel like the distinction, like you mentioned, between Alone versus Lonely is often lost because we do there’s all this strong messaging, which is, you know, appropriate that there’s a lonely in this epidemic in America. And I think knowing that loneliness is a biological signal, telling you to seek out human connection is super powerful because what it does is and this is an idea from a University of Chicago researcher and kind of like the the this big thinker about about loneliness. And it really changed my perspective on this. The idea that loneliness is a signal akin to hunger or thirst is super powerful to me because it neutralizes it. There’s not the shame that is put on loneliness and feeling lonely kind of dissipates for me because I’m like, all right, well, I shouldn’t make plants. I should or I know I’m going to be feeling down that weekend when it’s a long weekend and people will be out of town. So I’m going to make plans to do something or do something nurturing, right? And so when you feel lonely, you can do something about it. Now, unfortunately, loneliness is this kind of like it can be a trap where you start to see all these kind of like threats around you, like, you know, for example, being single, if you’re feeling bad and lonely about being single and then you all, you know, all of a sudden all these couples look really happy around you when you’re walking down the street, right? Where maybe if on a day you are feeling secure and good and connected. They don’t pop to you, out to you as much. Right. So I think understanding that when loneliness is trying to tell you something is very, very helpful. And then, you know, on the flip side, thinking about when you feel alone and you feel good or even connected with others, even though you are alone. Right? Like I write about thinking about like your solitude style, like thinking about, you know, you can use solitude to regulate your emotions by, you know, doing a job you love, a creative project, doing something for others, like maybe cooking a meal for someone who, you know, is going through a hard time and going to drop that off. Right? Like that’s something you were doing alone, but you’re doing in service of others, you’re still maintaining this connection. And there’s also this research to show that a lot of our feeling of social connectedness is about this internal sense, right? And that we in is in a somewhat subjective. So we do have control over how connected we actually feel with others even when we’re alone. And I think that’s that’s very powerful because what happens is when there’s the shame put on the loneliness side of things, or when you’re alone and you feel the shame, that’s when it starts to feel bad, right, and feel unnerving. But there are ways to, like supercharge your solitude and really enjoy it. And then to know also when you do need to get out of the house or reach out to someone to make it that contact.
Krys Boyd [00:28:17] Will you tell us about this research you discovered that showed most of us tend to underestimate how much will actually enjoy doing something if we do it by ourselves.
Meghan Keane [00:28:27] Yes, I love this. This comes from Rebecca Ratner, University of Maryland. And it basically shows that when there is like a social performance of being out in the world, like we get nervous. So what I mean by that is they found that people were more likely to go out or want to want to find themselves at a movie and go alone on a night that was quieter. Right? I think it was something like a Sunday or Tuesday night. Right? Not not a time not a super busy time at the movies. But we were all less attracted to the idea of going out to the movies by ourselves. When it was a night like Saturday or Friday, a night that’s kind of designated for social socializing. Right. And so what I thought was so interesting about that is just like, look, we actually a lot of people don’t actually have a problem with doing something by themselves, but it’s the social perception of others and how they’re going to feel about you. Right. That gets in our way. And another actually piece of research from the same researcher that I found interesting is she found that people actually enjoyed solo trips to art galleries more than than they did with friends. And my kind of read on that is maybe you just get to like, you’re not worried about how other people are if they’re having a good time. Do they like the art? You know, like what room did they go to to find them? If you actually get to really experience the art than if you’re by yourself. And so what I find is to me, I think that we do so much on our own anyways even if you are a parent or you’re in a relationship or you’re pretty social person. So think about all the times you do two things on your own, right? And you have no problem. You’re just a person getting something done with like errands. You know, there’s no social premium on running errands with someone, although I do think it’s another great way to to be can work, connect with your friends, take advantage of that time. But yes. So if you were someone who you’d say actually going to the movies alone on a Friday or maybe going out to dinner. Right. The classic example, right, is, you know, dining alone or sitting at bar, if that just still feels like actually that’s just like a step too far to me. That is fine. Do things where you are maybe a little bit more like busy, right? Like, you know, browsing a bookstore by yourself. That’s not a very like, you know, you don’t have to hustle in there socially, but maybe that’s the way to test the waters about how you feel in public doing something on your own. And then you can maybe bring that book to a bar and read or, you know, have something like that. But sometimes we just get in our own way about how we think about our own time. And it’s hard to be like, Well, just don’t worry about others, right? I think giving yourself baby steps can help.
Krys Boyd [00:30:51] Meghan, you note that there might well, in accepting your singleness, be a kind of grief, not so much for the state of being on our own as for the vision of our lives we might have just assumed would happen.
Meghan Keane [00:31:05] Totally. You know, like we were talking about earlier, if you were fed this marriage plot for your whole life and then all of a sudden that bottom’s out for you or it’s just not happening at the moment. Yeah, it can feel like, well, what am I supposed to do now? And I think, you know, accepting the reality of where you are is a super, super important task when you’re going through if you’re experiencing grief around a life that you think might have happened for you, it might still happen, by the way. You know, there’s no guarantees. But, you know, there’s there’s a possibility still could. So being really clear about accepting the reality you’re in right now, because what often causes suffering is resistance. And that’s a continual process of reminding yourself, this is how my life as it is right now, You don’t have to say this is not saying I’m accepting, you know, bad behavior or I’m accepting something that’s harmful. If that’s the situation you’re in, it’s more just about grounding yourself, being like, okay, this is where I’m at. And then moving forward with wisdom. And once you’re, I hate to say like past that, but two, once you can fold an acceptance more into your life, I think what happens for a lot of people and I did for me is you start to see life as less. There’s this one track and all of a sudden all these other tracks open up. And that’s really exciting because you get to see all these different ways your life could unfold. And that’s what really big fan of getting really clear on your values and thinking about what values do I want to express more? What are the ones that are most important to me? What are the values that if I do some version of them in a daily way, in a lifelong way, I will feel good about myself. And that’s when you get that sense of security in yourself that again, if a partner shows up, that’s amazing and wonderful. But if they don’t, you have an amazing life in front of you. So there’s just less pressure as a result to feel like your life is only going to start and be quote unquote good if a partner shows up.
Krys Boyd [00:33:24] What’s the difference between learning to accept your singlehood and like giving up on the possibility of ever finding long term romantic love?
Meghan Keane [00:33:32] I think acceptance is just making, you know, accepting that. You are where you are and that’s okay. And then thinking, okay, I am going to do something that makes me feel good. Like to go take a class or to that trip I never thought I was going to take. I’m finally going to make that happen then, right? And then I think what happens is that it’s not giving a quote unquote, you know, on ever finding romantic love. It just makes it less of the center of your life. And that is very freeing because when it is, again, this idea that like a goal, right, that you have to do this or else you’re a failure, then that’s all you can focus on. It becomes so consuming. And then when you can, you know, accept where you are and then think about the breath of your life at least that you can leave the door open for a romantic relationship. But it’s not going to be the determinant on your overall happiness for the rest of your life because then it might be setting yourself up for, you know, a lot of hurt. So acceptance is it does not mean you have to like where you’re at even, but it is just it’s a really grounding technique. And then getting really clear because I think what can happen is when you’re in a lot of grief about singleness and, you know, longing for a partner is that you tell yourself false stories about yourself and how your life is going to turn out. And my hope with is with the book that when you notice you’re falling into those patterns, you can kind of step back, remove the shame and see your life for what it actually is, which I’m assuming is overall pretty amazing.
Krys Boyd [00:35:19] And this is not toxic positivity at work. You share that you still have days when you find yourself feeling lonely or maybe wishing for a different life right now. But one thing you’ve learned not to do is tell yourself you shouldn’t feel bad. It’s okay to feel bad.
Meghan Keane [00:35:34] Yeah, exactly. We’re not meant to be happy all the time. Right? Like, I think what can be really hard about how our culture talks about happiness is that it’s a destination. And that once you, especially in the realm of singleness and partner, who once you find someone to be in a romantic relationship with, you’re going to be happy for, you know, you know, ever after. Right? It’s not a finish line. It is a emotion that is temporary and fleeting, but so is sadness. So is anger. So is frustration. So is excitement. Right. And so I think it’s really powerful when you start to understand how emotions come and go. There’s a natural arc to them. No emotion is forever. So if you can be kinder to yourself about recognizing and leaving, it’s a very like it’s very much a mindfulness technique of naming the emotion for what it is. Comforting yourself, giving yourself what you need, letting it letting yourself feel that emotion, even if it’s uncomfortable, and writing it out. And to know that it is temporary can be very powerful because, you know, thinking that you’re always going to be happy or be sad is just we know is just not true. But we do, you know, no one likes feeling bad. No one likes feeling bad. I think it gets hard when you then pile onto yourself, right? Of the shame and the extra negativity or the story about why you feel bad. And so I think it’s really a good idea to be like, if I’m feeling bad, I’m just feeling bad. It’s not I’m feeling bad because I’m a terrible person because I don’t have a partner. And the rumination train goes off, right? And so noticing it, naming it and then treating it very non-judgmental and then help you move through the emotion with more ease rather than adding all this extra baggage on top of it.
Krys Boyd [00:37:20] And that includes envy, right? I mean, sometimes we can feel pretty good about the state of our lives and then we witness someone else’s existence. That seems much better for whatever reason.
Meghan Keane [00:37:29] Yeah.
Krys Boyd [00:37:30] What have you learned about managing envy?
Meghan Keane [00:37:33] When it comes to envy, right? It’s like when you desire something that someone else has. Right. And so it’s the same technique of noting that it’s happening. Being, you know, non-judgmental about it to yourself. You don’t have to say, okay, stop it. Right? Because, you know, any time you’re telling yourself to stop something, it’s hard to to do that, you know, right away. Right? So recognizing it’s happening and you can get really curious about why you feel envious. Right. And you could be just like, well, I want a partner and I want this. And it’s like, okay, yeah, let’s maybe dig a little deeper. Maybe you see that you’re envious of this person because they got help with groceries on the weekend, Right? You know, they they that meal planning is very stressful to you. Okay, well, what’s an easy way to help? Like support yourself or ask for help for someone? Maybe it’s having, you know, even like a really small potluck with your friend where you both just make one thing or whatever. I used to do something where a friend we would meal plan together for the week and that was just like a fun communal way also to like spend time and then think about the rest of the week. Also instead of focusing your envy on the other person and being so focused on what they have. Think about, okay, well, what do I actually want and what can I give myself? Right? And of course, you know, the easy thinking is, I want a partner. And it’s like, well, okay, well, it’s hard to to get that right this second, right? So thinking to yourself like, well, maybe I want just something that will feel nourishing to myself, that’s a, that’s another big mindfulness thing is being like, okay, if I want to go on dates to find someone potentially like how do I make that like feel the best it can, Like what parameters can I put in place or, or it could be just like I’m going to actually go to karaoke and set up a night for that with friends and feel like feel a connection. A lot of the antidote to disconnection and things like and the Is connection, right? And also to remind yourself you’ve no idea what’s happening in that relationship. It could be that they’re willing to pay a price of admission to that relationship that you would not be willing to pay. So remind yourself about why the good reasons why you’re single, right? It’s easy to think, well, maybe I should settle or, you know, maybe I’m too picky. When you really could be thinking I have really high standards because I deserve it or I’m not going to compromise, you know, X, Y, Z, because that’s really important to me. And flipping those negatives into things that are, you know, positive and feeling things that are right about you in your life because you’re single.
Krys Boyd [00:40:08] I really love this. You remind us that if we are working toward acceptance of being single, there’s no better time than right now to start planning our financial lives accordingly. Like it’s already more expensive to be single than to be sharing a home and a bank account and resources with another person.
Meghan Keane [00:40:26] Yeah, absolutely. And I think this is happening more and more, especially with women. I see being more interested in how they invest, how do they save money and become financially secure. And I think that’s, you know, something that is often overlooked when it comes to singleness. You know, it’s so much focus about your emotional well-being. Right. But you’re right. It is expensive to be single. And so thinking about early about, okay, what is your plan for how you’re going to save long term? Have you opened an investment account or a retirement account to invest in? How can you afford to put in right. And to also think too long term about what happens to that money, right. Once you’re gone? You know, if you don’t end up having kids either with a partner or by yourself who are going to be your beneficiaries, do you want to support a local charity or a community organization that you’re that you think is doing good work? Right. Like, it’s not too early to start thinking about these parts of the life that often we relegate to couples once they get married. It is wills estate planning. I’m the granddaughter of an estate, the estate lawyer. It’s never too early to start thinking about how you’re actually saving because then you can give yourself the freedom. Do things that you’ve always wanted to do, but maybe you were too nervous to because you didn’t have a partner, like a vacation or buy a home. Right. I think there’s something like more single women homeowners than single men, homeowners. Maybe they just see the writing on the wall and they want they want to jump on homeownership before marriage. It’s super common now, right. So I think I’m encouraged to see more people now who are single taking hold of their financial life because it’s not something that’s just for people who are in marriages. It’s a lifelong practice that allows you options and thinks about how else you think about how the rest of your life is going to unfold.
Krys Boyd [00:42:34] You list big questions that single people might ask themselves as they look to shape their lives in the years ahead. Things like, you know, whether not monogamy is an option or single parenthood by choice. Talk a little bit about the big questions that we might not think to ask because we don’t yet have another person to share those questions with.
Meghan Keane [00:42:55] Totally. I think a big one is housing, right? Like how how do you want to live? Moving forward, you don’t have to have your own house or condo or apartment because you’re single. Now, I know some people who are like, I will always have my own space and that’s how I like it. Even if I go into a relationship, I always want my own space. And that’s great. So planning for that to make sure you can afford it and you’re secure in that is, you know, key. But I think there’s been a rise in interest in co-living, Right. Like as you age. Would it be nice to live with other people who are friends? Who can you can help each other out, you know, You know, jokingly, like kind of like the Golden Girls, right? So you have like a built in community because I think there is such a premium on thinking, okay, well. I’ll get a house and I can only have a partner in a house. Right? I think getting creative about housing is is something that could really also bolster you in a lot of different ways. Right? Like socially, always having people around and having that connection as well as financially. Right. You’ll save money on food and groceries. Yeah. And then also thinking about if kids that’s the biggest like, you know, binary on the table if you’re single is you having children or not having children and thinking about, okay, what would it actually take to be a single parent? And could I afford that? What help would I actually have? What would that actually mean? Is it more important to give myself the gift of being a parent than to forgo that option entirely? And I you know, I’m not a parent myself, but, you know, I know people who have thought really hard about that and thought, yeah, it is worth it for me to start that and to have that family and do that first rather than, you know, make sure I have the wife or the husband to to move on that. And like you mentioned, like things like non-monogamy. Like what would what might that look like? And, you know, some of these might be hard no’s and that’s okay. But I think it’s a good idea to give yourself a little space to think about. And that’s the beauty, too, of being single, is you do have a lot of options to think about what your life could look like and maybe, you know, to kick the tires, maybe you might be surprised with what you might be open to.
Krys Boyd [00:45:17] Meghan Keane is founder and managing producer for NPR’s Life Kit. Her book is called “Party of One: Be Your Own Best Life Partner.” Meghan, thanks so much for the conversation.
Meghan Keane [00:45:28] Krys, thank you. I appreciate it.
Krys Boyd [00:45:29] Thank is distributed by PRX, the Public Radio Exchange. You can find us on Facebook, Instagram and anywhere you like to get podcasts or you can find us at our website think.kera.org. Again, I’m Krys Boyd. Thanks for listening. Have a great day.
